the person inside me

It is very exhausting everyday that you keep yourself alive even it it's just being half alive. You wanted to eat, but you can’t, you wanted to get some enough sleep, you can’t. I tried to be okay and composed myself for the most I know I can. I have been dealt with a lot of problems every day, a problem that it is not my problem, but it is my obligation to solve their problems. Ain’t easy you know.

Lately, I don’t have the courage to talk to my clients, unusual it is. I just get their papers, process it without asking how they’re doing so much because I wanted to be strong for them, being there for them even if my heart is aching and assumed that nothing happened, I just can’t. I told everybody that I am more difficult to deal when I am silent rather than the normal days were so loud and I am blunt. I want to understand myself now that I have a predicament to deal with, that I am going to get through it no matter what it costs me.

There’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart. True. Looking back, my old blog, I was so different, I used to be a bubbly person, happy and outgoing. Today? I was totally different. I am not the person I used to be. I love that person (version 2.0) but that person also became suppressive as well as cruel to herself because she needed to in order to survive and lived after all the emotional attacks from other people. Yes, people, referring to many. I never found that person again today.

I was tough in those times when friends and even part of my family left me. I keep on hiding, I tried to make myself believe that I am okay, that I am stronger than anybody else, I always kept that image. I am not good in expressing myself really, I may be just too good to be true in writing blogs, but personally I do not have the nerve and guts to face my own problems. Having a person whom you know will understand the depth you, a person who is always there beside you is enough to say that I will be okay. What then now? If that person who believes in you despite of your worst will just say “don’t wait and I am sorry I cannot be there anymore for you.” It feels like someone close to you died. The process of grief is the same. That moment, it was the same feeling I felt the moment I saw my mother in the ICU fighting for her life and eventually declared dead.

I always end up losing everybody, I don’t know why. I even question myself why people keep on leaving, why people keep on hating me despite of my efforts and good intentions. I lost my trust to myself, to my family even. I felt I had no one to run to, I am afraid of what tomorrow will give me. I want to understand all of these. I want to rediscover what I have been in the past years of my life, growing up with hatred? Growing up with lies? Growing up with pretensions? Everything I guess.