the person inside me

It is very exhausting everyday that you keep yourself alive even it it's just being half alive. You wanted to eat, but you can’t, you wanted to get some enough sleep, you can’t. I tried to be okay and composed myself for the most I know I can. I have been dealt with a lot of problems every day, a problem that it is not my problem, but it is my obligation to solve their problems. Ain’t easy you know.

Lately, I don’t have the courage to talk to my clients, unusual it is. I just get their papers, process it without asking how they’re doing so much because I wanted to be strong for them, being there for them even if my heart is aching and assumed that nothing happened, I just can’t. I told everybody that I am more difficult to deal when I am silent rather than the normal days were so loud and I am blunt. I want to understand myself now that I have a predicament to deal with, that I am going to get through it no matter what it costs me.

There’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart. True. Looking back, my old blog, I was so different, I used to be a bubbly person, happy and outgoing. Today? I was totally different. I am not the person I used to be. I love that person (version 2.0) but that person also became suppressive as well as cruel to herself because she needed to in order to survive and lived after all the emotional attacks from other people. Yes, people, referring to many. I never found that person again today.

I was tough in those times when friends and even part of my family left me. I keep on hiding, I tried to make myself believe that I am okay, that I am stronger than anybody else, I always kept that image. I am not good in expressing myself really, I may be just too good to be true in writing blogs, but personally I do not have the nerve and guts to face my own problems. Having a person whom you know will understand the depth you, a person who is always there beside you is enough to say that I will be okay. What then now? If that person who believes in you despite of your worst will just say “don’t wait and I am sorry I cannot be there anymore for you.” It feels like someone close to you died. The process of grief is the same. That moment, it was the same feeling I felt the moment I saw my mother in the ICU fighting for her life and eventually declared dead.

I always end up losing everybody, I don’t know why. I even question myself why people keep on leaving, why people keep on hating me despite of my efforts and good intentions. I lost my trust to myself, to my family even. I felt I had no one to run to, I am afraid of what tomorrow will give me. I want to understand all of these. I want to rediscover what I have been in the past years of my life, growing up with hatred? Growing up with lies? Growing up with pretensions? Everything I guess.

the rest is history

When things are not okay, you make unusual efforts, rare ideas came out as well as you can even write many as you want.. I feel like I am always at my best in writing especially when I am hurt, lost and I cannot find my soul back. Yes, I’ve done this before and it probably helped me because I have overcome those unresolved emotions in the past. It may not be that all but I’ve tried to face it on my own.

It was that year where I had nothing. I didn’t have the degree at that time, no work even and bang! You feel betrayed by someone else. The thought there was “away – bati”, break up and getting back to each other, every month it’s always like that. All along, then I thought it was just okay that when you're breaking up and then getting back to each other, one break up happened and I just found pictures of them and boom! I died! I lost and devastated.

That kind of feeling came back again today. It may be a different situation or case, but I know I have loved without any fear, no restrictions and no second thoughts because I come to learn that I need to give myself a chance to believe again in life, in love and even in commitment.

Like I said in the previous post that I went to different people in order for me to overcome the “away – bati” relationship case. I thought at the time someone loves me and taking care of me, is enough for me to say that I have moved on from the away – bati case, until such time there was one person who turns my world upside down. I wouldn’t believe what I have become then. All along, this upside down person case was the ideal and what I wanted in a relationship, open, no mask and all out yet it is the one who torn my world apart worsts than any of it. I got bullied and tortured, emotionally.

That year I cannot let go of my dreams, my degree, my new life and he take all that against me and just got married to somebody else. For all I know they were already in that relationship before things comes worst among us. How painful that was? Right? I never beg, I never hold back because I know that’s already the end, I learn to let it go not that easy, but at least at the time I already accepted the fact that there is no chance of getting back to each other. That relationship opened me to be at my best, I thought I didn’t have anything to give after that “away-bati” case, but surprisingly I have given most of my best for seeing my worst, I appreciate that so much because it helped me to become a better person after that.

Decisions are made to be by choice, we knew that. After those failed relationships, I told myself not to commit, not to trust anymore because I saw some patterns, you are happy when you are in love, you can’t eat you can’t sleep and the same feeling when you are broken. Just when I thought. I gave myself a time to enjoy myself, to get my dream job and time for family. 

For a while I forgot what it’s like to have a relationship, I don’t mind either. I am happy of what I was at that time, but then unexpectedly, somebody came again and now this is it, it has torn me into pieces once again. I know for myself that I have combined everything that I was in the past to be at my best today, to give what I haven’t given in the previous and I believed presently is all my best, what I am, no less, all out and what I always wanted to be.

old thoughts along

The same old pattern once again. We go through process and it is a very painful process. From the very start I was hesitant, everything I know about commitment and how it will fail one day, I was there, I knew the feeling of fear, second thoughts, but yeah “DI na natuto” like the song of gary v. you still learn to believe that maybe this time it will work and I must say it should work. Yes, it worked, but of course there were challenges along, but who would have thought it will just end.

Again, I am trying to find some comfort in blogging, maybe this can be of help. I hope so. It’s always a battle who hurts the most – the one who left you or the one who has been left alone. I was left with nothing, I got a lot of things to lose, years, time and chance of course. I wanted to regret it, but there’s no way to feel that because you know it made you happy, it made you believe and learn most lessons in life too. The painful is I was the one who have been left and I cannot fight or battle its decision for I know it is for the better. I tried to understand and convince myself that it’s time to move on and get a life, but my god why is it so hard to start and believe that it’s over.

The first time I lost a person, the person whom have taught you everything about love and life, it totally damaged me emotionally. A hell of years, moving on by trying to be involved with different persons just to get away with that pain you are dealing with every day. The hell roller coaster ride. I got stuck to that and it gave me my worsts. At the time if I could still remember, day and night I have been blogging, I cried to sleep, I got depressed that no one knows because I am at my best of hiding everything about me, I am not a talky person at the time, I cannot even express my emotions verbally but I can through punching walls and doors to ease me. That was me before.

 The more it is killing me when the main reason why he left was because of someone new. Seeing those pictures they had, it kills you big time! Day and night I could barely sleep and eat. I always wanted to end right away that kind of feeling, but it was never easy. It isn’t really. That kind of feeling is the same feeling I have right now. I may not see pictures of them or whatever it is but still the process is the same and the pain, still the same, but the I cannot do the same kind of how I am going to move on and look forward for the best of life.

I tried to be focused to understand and accept the fact that there were things you cannot undo because, like I said it is always for the best, maybe. Please just bear with me, whoever is reading this right now.

I will look back this feelings one day and tell it to myself how far I’ve become because of this. I hope one day when I re-read this, I am already better and okay. My prayer now is for the healing of myself and for the right and last person i will love and who will be there for me in sickness and in health.

deja vu thoughts

The last time I remembered posting in a blog was the time I was in distress, lost and definitely hurt. If I recall that time it was January of 2015, it was 4 years already. Yeah, 4 years I felt free of that situation and never will I go back to that again. i felt stronger after then, I’ve learned the most best lessons in life – loving without restrictions. It was those times I was in my toughest decision could be and a choice to make. All along after that, I never regret the decision I made because i got my dreams, I have not to worry about my future, and it’s all on me. I was happy after that despite of those circumstances.

That year made me realized a lot of things in life, I gave myself a chance to live, to understand how hard life will be. I never thought the same year I will be in another situation the least I could see myself and expect it. No regrets, I listened to my heart, my mind, thoughts, the world itself, but then I never thought it will give me a room to understand more about myself, to value the lessons in the past that brought me today.

I’ve been blogging, maybe around more or less than 10 years, I stopped, I got busy, I had other priorities or the truth is I was happy with the life I chose, the life I am living everyday for the last 4 years. Although there were tough times in the middle, challenges that I have to face and decisions to consider.

I am trying to help myself now, to do the self – therapy through blogging, pouring all the thoughts I had when I know no one would listen, no one would ever ask how I’ve been. I want to put some compliment to myself that I might be able to heal myself in the process of letting things go.

I am not so sure of starting all over again. I felt like I have lost a lot of things in life, I felt like I have no one to turn to especially everybody knew that I was tough enough to handle all the circumstances that arrives. I kept asking why strong people have the fastest tears drop, the weakest inside and definitely the most who like to pity.

I survived heartaches, pains, insults and rejections in the past but today was kinda different, a part of me and my soul is gone. I tried to make myself believe that it is just a process and it is how things work out but I am losing my grip. I can’t be too weak to see, it’s not me, but then there I am broken, I am losing my strength, self – direction and focus. This is just tough today.


made this on the 10th day of june.
transferred from other blog.