When things are not okay, you make unusual
efforts, rare ideas came out as well as you can even write many as you want.. I
feel like I am always at my best in writing especially when I am hurt, lost and
I cannot find my soul back. Yes, I’ve done this before and it probably helped
me because I have overcome
those unresolved emotions in the past. It may not be that all but I’ve tried to face it
on my own.
It was that year where I had nothing. I didn’t have the degree at
that time, no work even and bang! You feel betrayed by someone else. The
thought there was “away – bati”, break up and getting back to each other, every month
it’s always like that. All along, then I thought it
was just okay that when you're breaking up
and then getting back to each other, one break up happened and I just found
pictures of them and boom! I died! I lost and devastated.
That kind of feeling came back again today. It may be a
different situation or case, but I know I have
loved without any fear, no restrictions and no second thoughts because I come
to learn that I need to give myself a chance to believe again in life, in love
and even in commitment.
Like I said in the previous post that I went to different people in order for
me to overcome the “away – bati” relationship case. I
thought at the time someone loves me and taking
care of me, is enough for me to say that I have moved on from the away – bati case, until such
time there was one person who turns my world upside down. I wouldn’t
believe what I have become then. All along, this
upside down person case was the ideal and what I wanted in a relationship,
open, no mask and all out yet it is the one who torn my world apart worsts than
any of it. I got bullied and tortured, emotionally.
That year I cannot let go of my dreams, my degree, my new
life and he take all that against me and just got married to somebody else. For
all I know they were already in that relationship before things comes worst among us. How
painful that was? Right? I never beg, I never hold back because I know that’s
already the end, I learn to let it go not that easy, but at least at
the time I already accepted the fact that there is no chance of getting back to
each other. That relationship opened me to be at my best, I thought I didn’t have anything to
give after that “away-bati” case, but surprisingly
I have given most of my best for seeing my worst, I appreciate that so much
because it helped me to become a better person after that.
Decisions are made to be by choice, we
knew that. After those failed relationships, I told myself not to commit, not
to trust anymore because I saw some patterns, you are happy when you are in
love, you can’t eat you can’t sleep and the same feeling when you are broken.
Just when I thought. I gave myself a time to enjoy myself, to get my dream job
and time for family.
For a while I forgot what it’s like to have a
relationship, I don’t mind either. I am happy of what I was at that time, but then unexpectedly,
somebody came again and now this is it, it has torn me into
pieces once again. I know for myself that I have combined everything that I was
in the past to be at my best today, to give what I haven’t given in the
previous and I believed presently is all my best, what I am, no less, all out and
what I always wanted to be.
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