deja vu thoughts

The last time I remembered posting in a blog was the time I was in distress, lost and definitely hurt. If I recall that time it was January of 2015, it was 4 years already. Yeah, 4 years I felt free of that situation and never will I go back to that again. i felt stronger after then, I’ve learned the most best lessons in life – loving without restrictions. It was those times I was in my toughest decision could be and a choice to make. All along after that, I never regret the decision I made because i got my dreams, I have not to worry about my future, and it’s all on me. I was happy after that despite of those circumstances.

That year made me realized a lot of things in life, I gave myself a chance to live, to understand how hard life will be. I never thought the same year I will be in another situation the least I could see myself and expect it. No regrets, I listened to my heart, my mind, thoughts, the world itself, but then I never thought it will give me a room to understand more about myself, to value the lessons in the past that brought me today.

I’ve been blogging, maybe around more or less than 10 years, I stopped, I got busy, I had other priorities or the truth is I was happy with the life I chose, the life I am living everyday for the last 4 years. Although there were tough times in the middle, challenges that I have to face and decisions to consider.

I am trying to help myself now, to do the self – therapy through blogging, pouring all the thoughts I had when I know no one would listen, no one would ever ask how I’ve been. I want to put some compliment to myself that I might be able to heal myself in the process of letting things go.

I am not so sure of starting all over again. I felt like I have lost a lot of things in life, I felt like I have no one to turn to especially everybody knew that I was tough enough to handle all the circumstances that arrives. I kept asking why strong people have the fastest tears drop, the weakest inside and definitely the most who like to pity.

I survived heartaches, pains, insults and rejections in the past but today was kinda different, a part of me and my soul is gone. I tried to make myself believe that it is just a process and it is how things work out but I am losing my grip. I can’t be too weak to see, it’s not me, but then there I am broken, I am losing my strength, self – direction and focus. This is just tough today.


made this on the 10th day of june.
transferred from other blog.