old thoughts along

The same old pattern once again. We go through process and it is a very painful process. From the very start I was hesitant, everything I know about commitment and how it will fail one day, I was there, I knew the feeling of fear, second thoughts, but yeah “DI na natuto” like the song of gary v. you still learn to believe that maybe this time it will work and I must say it should work. Yes, it worked, but of course there were challenges along, but who would have thought it will just end.

Again, I am trying to find some comfort in blogging, maybe this can be of help. I hope so. It’s always a battle who hurts the most – the one who left you or the one who has been left alone. I was left with nothing, I got a lot of things to lose, years, time and chance of course. I wanted to regret it, but there’s no way to feel that because you know it made you happy, it made you believe and learn most lessons in life too. The painful is I was the one who have been left and I cannot fight or battle its decision for I know it is for the better. I tried to understand and convince myself that it’s time to move on and get a life, but my god why is it so hard to start and believe that it’s over.

The first time I lost a person, the person whom have taught you everything about love and life, it totally damaged me emotionally. A hell of years, moving on by trying to be involved with different persons just to get away with that pain you are dealing with every day. The hell roller coaster ride. I got stuck to that and it gave me my worsts. At the time if I could still remember, day and night I have been blogging, I cried to sleep, I got depressed that no one knows because I am at my best of hiding everything about me, I am not a talky person at the time, I cannot even express my emotions verbally but I can through punching walls and doors to ease me. That was me before.

 The more it is killing me when the main reason why he left was because of someone new. Seeing those pictures they had, it kills you big time! Day and night I could barely sleep and eat. I always wanted to end right away that kind of feeling, but it was never easy. It isn’t really. That kind of feeling is the same feeling I have right now. I may not see pictures of them or whatever it is but still the process is the same and the pain, still the same, but the I cannot do the same kind of how I am going to move on and look forward for the best of life.

I tried to be focused to understand and accept the fact that there were things you cannot undo because, like I said it is always for the best, maybe. Please just bear with me, whoever is reading this right now.

I will look back this feelings one day and tell it to myself how far I’ve become because of this. I hope one day when I re-read this, I am already better and okay. My prayer now is for the healing of myself and for the right and last person i will love and who will be there for me in sickness and in health.